post break up syndrome

I think the biggest downfall in many people's lives is that they are so caught up on who dosen't love them anymore that they loose sight of who still and always will love them. I guess that's my downfall as I consume my thoughts with memories of me and doug and how different it may have been if we were still together but i guess that's post break up syndrome for you. It's so consuming and just as much a rollercoaster as it was when i was in a relationship. I can understand why people enjoy single life but i love being in a relationship to much to give single life a chance. What better feeling, what better situation then living life with someone that loves you as completley as you do towards them..

Im sorry sometimes...

I'm sorry sometimes for being so young that no matter how much i matured for you i would still be that stupid little child.

I'm sorry sometimes for that fact that im not as in shape as you are.. because we all know you go to all effort to look good for me (cough cough BULLSHIT).. Just cause im fucking chunky

I'm sorry sometimes that i take all your stupid little hurtful comments to heart but its sort of fucking hard when its all the time.

I'm sorry sometimes that i say i love you too much that it feels like your drowning but of course overwheming love is much worse then overwhelming hatred.

I'm sorry sometimes that im not as great and understnading as your ex joanne.

I'm sorry sometimes that my hickies give you unwanted attention.

I'm sorry sometimes that you have to be seen in public with me cause i know you feel ashamed of being seen with me.

I'm sorry sometimes for caring so much about you that my reminders just piss you off.

I'm sorry sometimes that i dont appreciate all you do for be cause your such a busy mann...

I'm sorry sometimes that we dont fight cause we've never had a huge real fight.

I'm sorry sometimes that im against abortion..

I'm sorry sometimes that i put so much fucking sugar in your coffee that your have a paranoia that im going to give you diabetes.

I'm sorry sometimes that i kiss you hard when im excited.

I'm sorry sometimes that i dont put enough make up on for you to notice.

I'm sorry sometimes that i dont own a genuine pair a lingerine.

I'm sorry sometimes that my back massages are cold.

I'm sorry sometimes that i walk so slow compared to you with your huge legs

I'm sorry sometimes that you were my number one priority in my life.

I'm sorry sometimes that i'm not even sorry at all...

Nicest way to be a bitch..

BITCHY i may be slightly but only because i dont know how to say FUCK YOU politley.

I'm the type of girl who will burst out laughing about something that happened yesterday.

You're the one that makes me waste time drawing all those stupid hearts.

The only thing a girl should chase is her dream.

The point is i love you but you DONT love me...

REPEAT- MORE LOVE THEN PAIN..HAVENT I LEARNT MY LESSON

Have you ever dumped a guy and thought we could still be friends? You would act and try to convince yourself that he is the same guy you fell in love with then you realise he is a real dick head and everytime you try to care or look out for him he blows up in your face and chucks your "friendship" in the bin and leaves it to die. You cant have a normal life together its like deep down inside you know your enemies. Like the phrase "you keep you friends close but your enemies closer". You try not to start a fight but its like everytime you see him you remember all the shit he put you through. All the plain you had to cope with and at the end of the day you realise there was more pain than love. That going out wasnt really worth it. You cant escape the fact that it happened and everyday you ask yourself why? You think for ages and realise you were just stupid and naive and looking for some fun. All the nights you spent crying yourself to sleep, all the changes you made just for him. You want to feel his love and know that he cares but you cant. When you look back you feel as though it was the best relationship you've ever had then you take a second glace and realise it was the WORST!!

So i wrote the majority of this after me and josh broke up which is years ago. And today i found an old diary that had a few little things to say about my relationship with josh and how i coped with the break up. And amazingly after so many years i have still yet to get the message. Cause i feel exactly what the last line states which is quite halarious. Its the irony of my life. Mistake after mistake. Except with the one with doug there was more at stake. Im going to formal with this guy and his paying. Not that only... lol but also the fact that my whole family has met him.. Now im not saying just my mum, dad and brother im talking about cousins, aunties and uncles. Have i ever met his dad, ever met his mum? I dont think so! I havent even been in his house. He hasnt give me that satisfaction. All ive seen is him in his birthday suit. WOO HOO!

Who gives a fuck honestly...

Tennis = SEX SOUNDS!!

I know i havent written a blog in ages so im making it up by writing up heaps. There has been a lot of topics on my mind. So here i go. On Sunday i plated tennis with my dad. And you know if you watch the tennis and the players grunt when they hit really hard. Well, on sunday i just realised that i sound exactly how i sound when im in the bedroom- if you know what i mean and that makes me very uncomfortable. Especially due to the fact that i was versusing my dad... MAJOR EWWW!

But yeah im throwing it up to all those people who play tennis. But i guess your opinion dosent relaly help- no offense since you guys probably have no idea about what you sound like when your in the bedroom. But anyhoo. It made me incredilbly uncomfortable and threw me of my game which was really gay.

I delight in my weakness

As i left the steaming shower i walked to my bedroom and let myself go. Naked i allowed my hair to implant a print on my sheets as the cold wind fiercely blew against my back. I curled into a ball and let all my insecurities arise. It is in this moment that i allowed my nightmares to meet me face to face.

This is my moments of weakness as i begin to recall and delight in the memory of a cool blade against my skin, the feeling of of bile form within my throat and the feeling of tears welling up just before i cry for the man i love. How could anyone possibly delight in this?

I delight it in cause it proves to me- i am weak. I need to have the reminder that i do need the people in my life. It helps me to cherish those and although its moments like this when i wish i was still emo, that i was still bulimic and well for the last one i do still cry over that damn guy so LOL.

But dont you just love that feeling as well...
When your so still once you come out of the shower that you can feel your body temperture change. The steaming red skin turns into goose bumps with the soft wift of air. Where in the silence all you can hear is your heart beat rapidly so it feels like there is a dent in your skin.

Im not going back to the old days some memories are not meant to be relived and maybe thats why i delight in such horrific memories. I make no sense i know.

<3

<3

When i laid eyes on you,
Baby now your my boo
Every night i dont sleep
The more my love is deep

Both our hearts are starting to mend
My love for you will never end
Baby you look so beautiful as you lay
Baby your love for me is as warm as a summers day

Girl you look and sound so smart
Girl you know no one will ever tear us apart
Baby i know will see each other soon
And girl we'll make love in your room

You'll want to say stop but you screaming for more
But your the only one that i love, care and adore
And i hope we'll never say its over its done
And i pray to God one day we'll marry and be one

But know were both on this journey of life
Baby girl i cant wait for the day to be able to call you my wife


- By Douglas George Walsh

<3

Baby every time we spend together,
Only wants me to be with you forever,
I know i might not talk as much and be shy
But its always hard to say good bye

Baby i love the way you feel the way you touch
I just cant get enough it makes me love you so much
Your all i could ever want your all for me,
When ever people ask who are you i say your my shorty

It feels like ive known you all your life were so deeply in love,
theres not one day i dont stop to thank the lord above
I know remember when you first caught my site
and now were having intimate conversations about everything all night

I just want to take you into a room so we can be all alone
cause girl you know i like it when your rough and when you moan
But baby you picked me up when i fell
And now i know whos my gaurdian angel


- By Douglas George Walsh

MUFTI DAYS

PERFECT EXAMPLE OF WHAT NOT TO DO!


Mufti days are a very important part of highschool life. They reflect who you are and how you feel about yourself. Its not particularly what you wear (even though there were some very diasterous people this mufti day) its more about HOW you wear it. I understand that it was a very cold day for a mufti day but honestly ugg boots should stay home if you can. Teared jeans dont really suit really anorexic people and stay to warm and dark colours this season people!



POWER! That was how i themed my outfit for fridays mufti day. I had already decided on tight skinny jeans, a pair or cream heels and a singlet with my fake leather jacket - ahahah fake, sad i know but i make it work bitch:) But as per usual i changed my mind cause i usually plan my mufti day outfits at least 2 weeks before and thats minimum.



So on the morning of mufti day i went through three outfits til i finally found the perfect outfit. My PERFECT outfit consisted of a black halter dress well above the knees with black stockings, black POWER HEELS (but the powers mostly in the walk) and a long supposedly warm jacket..



And im proud to say i did look mighty fine in my outfit. Absolutley delish && you all know it.



MY OUTFIT WINNERS OF FRIDAYS MUFTI DAY INCLUDE:

• Janine Perez made her granny black flats work with her black skirt and stockings. This girl knew how to accesorise which gave her a double A plus for her outfit and her simplicity in range of colours was a total winner.


• Clarisse Salazar lookd absolutley divine in her new oxfords and her skimpy black dress and her real leather jacket. Her outfit was perfection too bad she couldnt hack her heels long enough to last the whole day but thats alright many girls cant.


• Chi-kay looked lovely with her denim skirt and yummy grey woolen top. The light brown button on her top really gave the outfit an extra something but she should remember to bring a jacket for her own sake tsk tsk chi-kay but you did look good.


• Princess of casual went to zooey smith who was really rocking her tight skinnnys and her yellow checkered jumper.


• Hannah Gaffney was Queen of simplicity with her peach top and jeans gosh the mix was really good. Hannah look hot effortlessly.


• Ellen Fitzgibbon the old skool win cause she mixed jeans up with a navy blue woolly jumper. It was fitting and not over sized - honey you looked warm :)


• John macaraeg was smoking when he was wearing faz's black leather jacket- it really suit. The only guy that got ten out of ten - GOOD ON YA!


• Adrian- absolutley loved the man to man t-shirt and you worked your black skinnys as well with your nikes. He got a 9/10 cause he made his hair poofy in maths and said he wouldnt get a mohawk grrr...


• Aasta Laurie- i didnt see her in roll call but a did get a glimpse of her in the corridor and she looked beautiful as per usual with her ranga hair flowing in gentle curls working what i think was a floral dress with a cardi. <3

MUFTI DAY SHOCKER GOES TO

• Just jun- wth was with that jacket there were other people as well but thats dogg so to everyone re evaluate and plan

HONERABLE MENTIONS

• Prine Sera looked so warm and lovely with her black shinny leggings from supre, her double upped jacket and her killer black boots and striped socks.


• Rashini with her black top that was really cute but lovely dont try to casualise it- ditch the shorts you could look so much hotter and i know you know it!

P.S Josh looked like a poof with his beanie....

REMINDER TO ALL - BLACK IS THE NEW RED!

xoxo

Whole Body Massage

I seriously need a whole body massage. I truly believe that the reason for my lack of height it my heavy as school bag. I swear i have like 5 bottles of lotion, random lip balms, empty bottles of water and other random shit i dont rally need. Also my tendancy to move erratically it my sleep cause its so fricken cold has caused my immense lower back pain.

I ned a whole body massage. On my shoulder, down my back, my thighs and a seriosuly need a boob massage. Do they give those like professionally cause my boobs are killing me.

Any hoo i thought id just give a whine.

xx

Princess Lara & Peasant Joshua

Have you ever been so happy for a best friend that whenever he is around you just grin so large your head starts pounding like crazy and your blood wooshes around your head you feel dizzy. My best mate JOSHUA YUN aka peasant has found a new love as you have probably seen in all his blog entries. But i couldnt be happier. Even though im his best friend i cant help but look and him and lara and smile like a proud mother its so embarassing not only for josh but also for me.

I really am so proud of him that he was able to get over the one person that caused him so much grief in his life. Now he can stop asking me whats the meaning of life? For now i truly believe that he has found his driving force. (8) aint no stopping him now LOL

Now he can share moments deeper than a friendship. He can be brighten by his new love. I have never been more excited and thrilled and disapointed on the road his life now entails. Excited and thrilled for him and lara but disapointed in the friendship that will soon cease to be as strong as it has been for me and him.

But i love him and lara all the same. No matter how much as i feel like a third wheel with them. I wish the both of them the best and toast for them to share endless happiness cause i know that they are just made for each other.

The simplicity of what was a complicated life is now over. This relationship is a beginning, may they cherish what they have and enjoy what is coming.

I LOVE YOU PRINCESS LARA & PEASANT JOSHUA!

He's my Mr. Right

Have you ever had a person that warms you with a simple touch. A person that is perfection in your eyes even though everyone else can see his little flaws. Have you ever needed someone so much it hurts. Have you ever loved someone so much you get wrinkles from smiling so much? Well i have!!

DOUGLAS GEORGE WALSH <3>

I love it when he kisses me on the neck when im pretending to be mad. I love it when he looks at me with those puppy dog eyes and I practically melt. I love it when he massages the back of my head so smoothly its soothing. I love how he is so witty and says I LOVE YOU! When i least expect it.

I miss him so much. Day in and day out. But the moments we share together are truly priceless i wouldnt trade them for the world. I wish that i could spend every waking moment with him. Unfortunatly if i spent all my time with him i wouldnt get any sleep cause his SEXY ASS BODY would be too irristable to stop looking at. But if i do fall asleep out of exhaustion i can be assured my dreams will be filled with his perfection.

Finally i have found my Mr. Right after encountering so many Mr. Wrongs. He is perfection to me no matter how much he objects. I love him inside and out. My love wil never end nor will it diminish. So Mr. Right .. i hope you never leave my sight..

<3

A precious love

I love him from the deep within my heart i do! Unmeasurable, indescribable and undiminshable is how i feel for him. Do you know why i over think so much. Why i have a huge paranoia. Why i spend nights crying at night over one person. Because i love him and i couldnt bear even the thought of loosing him.

I look back on the days when our love was so strong and sigh. It seemed so different back then. But although the situation has changed time and time again my love for him is still flowing through me just as strong.

I can still look into his eyes and feel like im going to melt. I can still hold his hand and feel like im the most special girl in the world. I can still kiss him and have tingles through my skin. He means the world to me. He is a huge part of my life. I trust him. I miss him. I commit to him. I need him and most importantly i love him.

I dont know if he is still low on public affection. But if he would let me i would embrace and never let go. I would hold his hands and not faulter. I would look at him and nobody else. Because even in a world with so many people he is the only one that matters.

I love him no matter what situation we are in. And i should now better than to doubt his love for me, his commitment to me. From today no more crying to sleep. No more sleepless nights. No more lost appetite. I have to be perfect for him. Maybe he will hold on if i am.

NOW I HAVE A HEAD ACHE FROM OVER THINKING TOO MUCH.

NB TO SELF: SLEEP EARLIER GIRL!

A painful love

He is my world but i don't think he realises how big the world is!
The rollercoaster never ends with this guy now does it? Two nights ago i meant to right a blog but my net stuffed up. Two nights ago i questioned to myself how many times does a heart have to break before it finally gives up beating?

Ive been through thick and thin with this guy but still i hold on. Why is it that he can make me feel like shit but with the simpliest "hello beautiful" he can leave me begging for more. Does he know how good he is? He probably does. I seriously believe that he has broken my heart. Time and time again but now i realise you cannot go through life without being willing to forgive.

Love vs commitment. Did you know that they are different things? Cause you can love anyone but commitment is an action to whom you give to someone you love. I have my commitment to him. Yet he does not to me. This is where forgiveness comes in. This past month have been the worst so far in my whole 15 years of life- i know not a lot of life but ive been through enough that i can see myself slowly age. I stare blankly at the mirror seeing my tear ducts give in and the black circles increase in size in the hollows of my eyes.

I stare at a stranger who used to be as beautiful as she thought she was. But now she is slowly fading away. My beauty seems to be dimishing and maybe thats due to the lack of love present within.

He keeps telling me that i should leave. That any guy would be lucky to have me. But ive heard all this shit before why doesnt he just leave me? Cause i want to hold on for as long as i can. Breaking up will never hurt cause we have practically broken up a million times. I reckon the last straw for me will be the day he finally says I DONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE...

That will be the end for me. For once in my life i gave everything into a relationship. If only he knew how much a sacrificed for him. How much more i would give up for him. I know he has had a rough life and i dont want to contribute to his pain. Thats why when we fight i give in. Thats why i end up in situations that only benefit him. I dont know why he still pulls me on the string.

Cant he get it through he's thick head that i only WANT HIM! I dont want anyone else. NO ONE could replace him but obviously i can be replaced. If he does love me then why doesnt he just stay with me? Why does he have to put our relationship into a situation that leaves us open for liasons. To ease the heartbreak perhaps?

Dont worry about me. I trust him. More than i have trusted anyone with my heart. Too bad all this trust is all going to fall short. But ill hold on til the bitter end cause the pain is worth it. I love you DOUGLAS GEORGE WALSH. My whole heart i leave with you, there in your bear hands. You grip tight causing my heart pain but as long as im in your warmth i wouldnt have it any other way..

My unworthy heartbreak..

My heartbreak plays back in my mind

Knowing our incredible love is history
Remembering all the good times we shared
Why we ever gave up is a mystery



I remember it like it was yesterday
The moment out eyes first met
The chemistry, the connection, the spark
Who would of know it would all become my regret



Our memories soon turned into nightmares
They haunted me when i went to sleep
Your smile soon changed into anger
You and i had fallen to deep



Into the unknown waters if love
Feelings of hatred devoured my soul
And every time i reached for hope
Deeper and deeper i would fall



I felt as though i was bleeding
Pouring out all of my heart
For every time i tried to love you
You'd give an excuse for us to part



You liar, you cheat, you fool
Feeding me your artificial love
Giving me thoughts of love and care
As if i was your precious dove



Do you honestly think i believed?
Every sweet word that you spoke
All the 'i love you' and 'i need you'
It was all just a stupid joke



All of my tear filled pillows
Just suddenly began to dry
My heart, broken in pieces
Because i was living a lie



Then you had the nerve to say
That we're not meant to be
Me heart, you left to die
And made sure everyone could see

I tried to feel my heart beat
But the pain was too much to bear
Then i built up the courage
And found out it wasn't there


I wish i never met you
That our lives wern't intertwined
For every time i stuggled
You would just leave me behind

Did i ever mean anything to you?
Did you every just think of me?
It took me so long to realise
The devil! You were he


You were never worth the trouble
All my costly time wasted
The mere thought of loving you
Now leaves my devastated


I burnt all your pictures
Threw out all your letters
I've erased you from my life
And to think, i actually feel better


I'm finally freed from your heavy cjains
I am a bird that began to fly
My memories of you are long gone
Watch me fade away, as i say good bye...

NB: i wrote this poem like 2 years ago. But it means as much then as it does now. Me an my boyfriend are NOT broken up. I just like this poem.

I'm over this shit

I dont mean to be melodramatic and blow everything out of proportion but a girls got vent dosent she? What am i over? Im over the rollercoaster i share wiht my boyfriend. Im over crying myself to sleep every night for the past month and waking up with a huge head ache the next morning. Im over the complete paranoia that i hold while i constantly ponder the thought of "is he thinking about me?", "has he cheated on me?" and "when is it going to end?". Im over questioning myself every night WHY DO I LOVE YOU! Im over the need to hear his voice no matter how distasteful yet soothing it is. Im over my blind sight that seems to oversee all the flaws that are present in this broken relationship.

Im sick of all the bloody conversations we share on the fone when all we do is listen to the silence or the sound of his distant voice. Why is he still with me? Cause he apparently loves me? Then why is he constantly asking what would you do if i cheated on you? WTF does that mean. geez.. Yet still i hold on. He is just so sweet and just a man obviously good with words. Therefore leaving me in quite a pickle. I find myself detesting myself. Im sick of pitying myself and asking AM I SO HARD TO LOVE? Our love was so strong in the beginning had i given in to early? Had my choices lead to any early end? Within four days he said i love you. I knew it. I knew this would happen.

I said i didnt want to rush anything! Becuase if we did the end would come rushing at us and it is. Its like death you know its coming you just dont know when. It could be tommorrow, a week from now, months from now or even in my wildest dreams- years from now. Yet i hold on. I pulled myself in... I dug myself in with blind love. But how could i not love him. Here i am contradicting myself again.

Im sick of eating so much just to convince everyone that im not bulimic. Im sick of eating greasy foods then regretting it as i feel the vomit slowy squirm up my mouth. Im over the usual pig outs at mount druitt. Im over my bland hair and my plain face. Im over my forever bloated stomach and im over the latest gossip- im always last to hear whats going on anyway.

Im sick of over commiting myself to school and to multiple SRC's. Im sick of late nights and over planning and thinking. Im sick of winter and sleeping with a fever. Im sick of waking up early just to stay in bed to think about him. Im sick of constantly staring at the fone waiting for him to call. Im over my tummy aches when im too full or when im so hungry. Im over simplicity. Im over the drama of everyone elses life. Im over dreaming of a perfect future. Im over thinking up baby names with every guy that ever meant a shit to me.

What do i need? I need retail therapy and more bitchy teenage lovey dovey books to read to sleep to replace the tears that simply cease to constantly fall.

IM OVER ALL OF THIS SHIT! FUCK MY LIFE :)

JOSHUA YUN!

Today i finally read Josh's blog. Never knew how much i meant to him until now. His driving force = me? What a sweet heart <3>

Today josh said we have so many in jokes. And i never realised how many. Its so weird how we were designed to be best friends. That i can be as close as him as possible and trust him enough to not take advantage of me. I cherish that cause ive had my fair few experiences where guys have gone a little to far. But i cant help it if im too hot to handle. Anyways

In jokes with josh:

• Claude Monet pronouced "Claudeeeeeey mauneeeee"


• In sync


• My eye jokes against him


• His ever HOLY SHOES! - Alleluia, Praise the lord!!


• His sorry song to me- your beautiful to me...


• Hey honey ;)


• Hot mamma!


• Beautiful face - josh you look like a cabbage when you do it


• Random face touching!


• Sqeezing of your inner arm- i know its annoying


• HARD ankle massages


• Josh: your ugly. Gels: your beautiful. Josh: Your still ugly

THERE ARE MORE BUT I CANT LET EVERYONE KNOWING ME & HIS SECRET INS & OUTS

LOVE YOU LOTS JOSH :)

In deperate need for a change...

Is it really bad to look good? Im sick of this sham of trying to be beautiful instead of sexy. Im going to dress the hell i want! So i wanted to die down the attire i was wearing after the break up with cameron but really what was i trying to achieve. Maybe i figured that if i dressed a little more appropriatley then i would be called a whore and slut less. But i went to all this effort to fall short.

Okhay, so maybe i do love my dresses. But it was a cover up for the need to be viewed differently. I didnt want to be known as the bitch that cheated on cameron. So there i went down a different rode.

And now in my butt hugging jeans i realise that my life is such a charade. Life isnt about impressing others not even getting their approval its about me. That right its always about me right? Well then- FUCK YOU! I may have gotten attention but that aint my fault when was i never their for my friends? Rarely if i do recall.

Sexy is an expression of confidence and self love. And thats what i want. Call me a whore and a slut it wont hurt. I have never felt to HOT in jeans and a tight top. Im going to dress to express not to impress. No more hiding behind "good girl" clothes. Pretty and sweet - DONT THINK SO. Why should i dress in a manner that dosent coincide with my personality. Im bubbly and quite frankly who dosent want to be noticed?

Today is a start of a change. And this is what needs to be done:

• Jeans must only be worn with heels


• Buy more g-strings


• Make up is now a must!


• Nails must be perfect or at least done each day


• Im starting to live for me!


• Pampering dosent hurt

Change here i come raging and over enthusiatic. Too much to handle? Then back off

NB: I dont mean to be mean in this post. Anger is an expression. I advise you to use it in words not physical action unless its angry sex <3

"I trust you with my heart, the rest is up to you"

Today is my 4 months and how it went so fast. We have probably been through more than what me and cameorn went through during our first six months together.

The celebration began on friday night- the night before our anniversary. We were talking on the fone as he waited outside my house patiently waiting for my rents to sleep. Then we started having an argument about abortion. Not going into details but we were at each other's throats and i wouldnt let it go. But as soon as we saw each other, the tense atomsphere fizzeled.

The drama didnt stop there. After some fondling and kissing we settled down. Then I was watching something on his phone then calls me a bitch under his breath then a drop his fone on his chest and i didnt intend for it to hit hard but it did. Then i tried hugging him, touching him but he insistedly told me to fuck off. I climbed on top of him and he pushed me roughly to the side. I was cut so deep. I turned to my side and then curled up within my arms. Deeply breathing - trying not to cry.

Then he started stroking my hair and massaging the back of my head with his finger tips. The feeling just made me want to cry more. Then he placed his soft warm hands against my shoulder and tried to turn me around but i refused. Then he finally pulled me close and looked right at me. Gave me a hug and lighly placed his fingertips under my chin turning my head towards his - eye to eye. "What's a matter baby?" he said sotly- his voice so soothing. He wiped my cheeks in case there were any tears but i pormised him i would never cry in front of him. Then he kissed my softly. And i lay there on his chest just admiring his face as he sang along to random songs on his fone.

Later on that night i gave him a whole body massage as he was killing from a long week of work and he had just come back from a basketball game that really put him in the shits when he arrived. He was really pissed off. This was the only time i was in control where i could be the older one as he lay relaxing on his back as a trailed my fingers along his biceps. I told him to relax and he untensed and feel into sleep.

This is an example of me trusting my heart with him. I can be heartbroken by actions that he does caused by my me starting it off anyway but then i can be healed within moments of his touch. I dont think he realises how much he means to me but i never stop showing how much i care.

Later on that day i had my vaccination for swine flu - DW I DONT HAVE SWINE FLU, its just precautionary as im doing work experience in westmeand children's hopspital. I went to blacktown after and checked out the festival but soon got over it so i bummed around blacktown by myself as my mum rustled around the festival in search of free goods- SO FILO! I bought a few items that made my day like a huge bag and this "top". But then my brother finished tutoring and became restless and then it became contagious and i just wanted to go home and sleep. Finally got home and slept til church at 6pm. After church i went to Rooty Hill R.S.L and had some steak - yummers!

So my four months was filled with ups and downs. But i know other people have had their fair share of days like mine as well so im not complaining im just saying. "I trust you with my heart, the rest is up to you.." This line is truthful to all my relaitonships and expecially the oene i share with him. I dont expect him to love me as overwhelmingly as i do to him but that wont restrain me from expressing my love for him any less. Opening your heart can run the risk of being open to heartbreak but love is worth the risk. Cause in spite of all the downsides he has made me feel over the moon. And those moments we share together are just priceless.

Who gets raped?

Dont deny the urge...

A fucked up and absolutly loveable friendship!

What is the definition of a best friend? Do you have to hang out 24/7? I DONT THINK SO! Do you have to tell each other every single little detail of your life? I DONT THINK SO. A true best friend knows the truth and dosent need you to say it. They know you so well that if you did hang out 24/7 it would be so annoying that it just kills the friendship.

A true best friend is there when you need them and who understands when you need space. A true best friend is one that tells you the truth no matter how much it hurts. A true best friend is able to call you a slut and a bitch and you can just laugh it off. That is a true best friend. So lets wrap it up.

A BEST FREIEND IS:

• One who's there when you need them


• One who leaves when you say Fuck off


• One that does not hang out with 24/7


• One that does not tell you every detail of their life


• And one who calls you bitch and a slut every once in a while- my case everyday

LOL- pretty fucked up aye. But remember a true best friend understands.. So thats why in spite of this fucked up friendship my relationship with my best friends is the best anyone can have <3

DAMN TB'S vs FOBS!!

Have you noticed the TB's? Well of course you have- how can you miss them they are eveverywhere i swear. Today is what made me truly appreciate living in Rooty Hill. The filos in blacktown are all the same and their all private school kids with same goals of looking pretty and its not that i mind it its just that it gets sorta overwhelming and quite annoying when they are everywhere!!

See Mount Druitt may be a hole but at least you dont have guys wearing the same outfits everywhere with thier skinnys and their asian hair. You have real men at mounty, you have the built fobs with thier footy shorts. LIke seriously, why would i want to check out guys who's skinny jeans size is smaller than mine- does that mean i have more balls? Probably!! Why would i want to check out guys who's hair is longer than mine, more layered then mine. And people wonder why im bisexual... All the guys look like girls anyway- how can you differentiate between them?

There are the rare few that are TB and are actually quite nice but seriosuly i dont think i can be fucked to go through all the TB's and find which ones are reasonable and which ones are just clones of their best friends.

Josh -> half yearlys -> Hokka hokka

I haven't written a blog in so long! To the dissapointment of my daily follower Joshua Yun. Maybe thats why he has been so mean to me latley. He is always taking Janine's side in everything and i think he is going to buy her shoes *cry*. Ohh well...

This week has been ... Half yearly exams hasn't been that bad but i dont want to say anything that would jinx it. I so wish that i got my nails done with Janine instead of pigging out at blacktown with Adrian - no offense to Adrian. But damn we both went home stuffed! HOKKA HOKKA = YUMMERS

NB: HOKKA HOKKA is pronounced hoookkkaaa hooookkkaa - excentuate the "ooo"

a little bit of a bother..

Why do people say i'll call in 30 mins and don't call. Maybe it just bothers me cause it was my boyfriend. But you don't say it if you dont mean it. Like an hour and a half later i figure that he figured he's just going to call later tonight. I guess he is sick so he has an excuse.

I seriosuly hate winter fashion. Like i already eat more in winter i dont need winter clothing to make me fatter like seriously. I want spring time to come back because spring is my birthday which is the perfect excuse to dress up and act like a bitch all day LOL.

I really feel uncomfortable when fat people eat kfc. Like i know kfc tastes good but if your that fat you have to be aware of what your eating right?

Dry elbows and dry lips! Not nice at all. I really should keep lotion and lippy in my bag for on the go. I hate showing my elbows when thier dry i feel so ewwww...

I extrmely hate it when CAMERON fucken spits his saliva and shit out. Its fucking disgusting knowing that used to be in my mouth. He smokes now.. What a try hard someone told me that when he smokes it looks painful what an idiot.

And i like the sensation when you pee :) Random muchh

xx

What me week entails...

Argh... Half yearly exams and the freakiest thing is that im freaking out cause im not freaking out. Make sense? Like im usually hardcore studying and stressing myself out like crazy but suddenly im just so calm now a days thanks to the love of my life. But is that a good thing? Im a bludging too much-no thanks to Janine. (love you). But still i guess this week will show which method works better.

The way i see it is that once you study and stress out like crazy you can be more statisfied by your outcome- that is if it more than what you were expecting. So for this method aim love and be happy.

But how about not stressing and taking it in as is flows. Its good to stay calm but that can also rui your pace and your calmness can soon turn into just being plain lazy to do anything. So instead id figure i would mix a bit of both and this is how my week will unfold.

MONDAY

• English & Maths Exam


• Study Science and history and night

TUESDAY

• Science Exam


• Study history and commerce

WEDNESDAY

• History Exam


• Study food tech, music and commerce

THURSDAY

• Food tech, commerce and music exam


• Relax and get my nails done with janine :)

FRIDAY

• Celebrate end of exams with boyfriend


• Get vaccinated for swine flu cause im going to westmead hospital for work experience soon

SATURDAY

• Hopefully celebrate my 4 months with my boyfriend


• If not watch his basketball game in liverpool


• If not Make scone with janine


• If not eat at Panarrottis with Cla

SUNDAY

• Church


• Major me time


• If no major me time than major gels&janine time

Thats my week folks. I hope evrything goes to plan.. Any bets it wont but im sure that i will definitly get my nails done- its a must!

A way of life..

"You'll forget all of them. Even the ones you said you loved and even the ones you really did. Their the last to go, but once you've forgotten enough, you love someone else"

"You should aim to not just merely exist but to live!"

"There's nothing worse than knowing it was all your fault"

"The only thing worse than getting your heart broken is by breaking your own"

" Learn from others mistakes because making yours own wastes moments of your life"

" When you fuck up your life you learn to comprimise. Some people get what they deserve and others dont. For your own sake be happy with yourself because a moment contemplating the WHAT IF factor is a day waster dwelling on the past"

"We should count life not in minutes but in moments"

"Who would of thought the letter d was so cimportant. That the forth letter of the alphabet is

what creates the difference between love and loved. Between care and cared and just like the letter d our lives can be changed with the addiction of a bad habit"

"Making a living is not the same as living a life"

"I know the secret of life- it is BUTTER!"

"The simplicity of life is that it is not simple at all"

"life should not be counted on the number of breaths we take but instead be measured by the number of moments that take our breath away"

"The difference between a boss and a leader is that a boss says go! and a leader says lets go!"

"Dont just watch the rollercoster- ride it!"

"Wishes are the start of reality"

"The price of greatness is responsibility"

"Destiny is not a matter of chance it is a matter of choice"

"You have the power to be happy if only you would let yourself"

"The meaning of life is to be comfortable with who and what you are"

"It's hard to let go of something old when there's nothing new to hold onto"

"You can be as mad as a mad dog by the way things went, you can swear and curse the fates but when it comes to the end- you have to let go"

"Distance shouldn't stop you because love keeps you close"

"He was my first love and he's still breaking my heart"

"There are no such things as mistakes, only learning experiences"

"Now she's the definition of fine, but i told her that her body would look better with mine "

"People will forget what you said. They will forget what you did. But they will NEVER forget the way you made them feel"

"I move to ASPIRE, to INSPIRE before I EXPIRE"

"The past has my regrets, my mistakes and my memories (good&bad) but its history now. SO

until they make a time machine, i wont dwell on it"

"The present is not, whatever i'm doing, where ever i am- thats what im going to enjoy, cherish every moment and live"

"The future is tommorrow, so since im living today, i'll take tommorrow when it comes, one day at a time."

"The truth is in the essence"

"Today i begin to understand what love mst be, if it exists... When we are parted we each feel the lack of the other half of ourselves. We are incomplete like a book in two volumes of which the first has been lost. That is what i imagine love - to feel incompleteness in absence"

"I dont think anyone can do anything that would make one worthy of love. Love is a gift anf cannot be earned. I believe it can only be given"

"I tire myself to sleep with my uncontrollable tears"

"I don't know if i should react, or fight back?"

"One penis per fantasy!"

"Forget the people in the past, theres a reason they didnt make it to your future"

"Just because the person you love has moved on dosent mean you have to as well"

"The people you know become the people you knew"

"Who will let you, let this feeling die? When am i did was try!"

"Me & my girl try to stop temptation but we cant help our love for masturbation"

"You're horrible! Your a whore..."

"Is love worth the pain?"

"Love is always bestowed as a gift- freely, willingly and without expectation; we do not love to be loved we love simply to love"

"To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides"

"Love sees roses without throns.."

"A friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out"

"Love is life and if you miss love you miss our on love"

"In love beggar and king are equal"

"Life is a maze and love is riddle"

Equanimity

His breath against my bare skin makes tremble. I lay on his chest and listen to the soft heartbeat gently pounding against my ear. The moonlight dimly sprinkling its light over his perfection. I see just the silloutte of the contours of his body. I run my fingertips against his biceps and he smiles in his sleep. I intertwine my hands in his and its a perfect fit. I feel the texture of his hands as it goes from rough burns to smooth baby soft skin. I kiss him and he twitches with delight. I couldn't sleep with him lying here next to me. How could I? When would i get the oppotunity to lay there and just admire everything about him.

That night was the night that i was definite of my future. It lies with him and i can feel it. My heart has never raced so much simply by resting against his skin. I want to wake up every morning in his chest. I want to sleep with his gentle hands against the small of my back. I want our legs to weave into each other as we lay closer than ever before. I want to share this moment again with him and only him. He is my calm in the storm. My stable when im restless. I have never been awake and felt like i was in a dream before. The moment may have lasted only a few hours but it seemed to pass through time and breaking all barriers. The impossible, now life and for once in my life i feel the magic of love.

There has always been a strong and intense feeling inside my heart but now it seems like God has given him to me. My protector and my carer. What i feel now is much more than love. Such a connection, i have never felt before and im a grateful to been able to feel it. I hope this feeling lasts and that time does not diminish its hold over me.

What he does for me is more than love and care. He is the spark that allows me to brighten everyone elses day. He is now an extention of me. He is a part of me. With him i am everything i want to be. He pushes down all my barriers. He is my drug. He is my life. He is my equanimity...

The line between friendship & boyfriend..

Over the past few months i have noticed i have become rather close to Josh. Not that it really matters cause we were best friends before we went out. But suddenly everyone else is noticing our closeness and is coming to the conclusion that were going out again. Unfortunatley for him im deeply in love with Douglas George Walsh. But then comes the question, "how close is too close?"

If i am giving that perception that means that i am a bit flirty but i dont intend to be. Being over affectionate comes into my nature. I told josh today that me and him are destined to be best friends. And i mean it, he cheers me up when im down and i can always count on him to talk to. But being beyond friends is out of the question. I already went down that road and it didnt turn out well. He is like a big brother to me although i am older than him. But he gives the sense of a big brother. Protective and caring and a bit obnoxious. Well, of course he is -cause he is a peasant. LOL. (inisde joke)

Does is really matter what everyone else thinks? Even Josh thinks that my boyfriend wont like him.. but really i dont find him a threat in anyway. We understand each other- too well maybe and there should be no crime in that. What is important is that those who are close to me understand my situation with him. A best friend and nothing more.

He may be doing everything that he didnt do in out relationship before, such as talking and holding my bag... and just being there for me . But now we can share something without being dependant on commitment in the sense of love as friendship has love automatically pushed into the equation.

A may be pushing the line between friendship and relationship with josh but as long as i know where my loyalty lies and where the boundaries are set im sure that our friendship can flourish without the complications of everyone elses implications and rumors.

P.S there was a cat outside and staring at me. Fucken scary as...

Gels & Janine's Dream House

A future with Janine? Of course! Undoubtly we are so living together. My best friend for the longest of time... must be destiny. We have been picturing our dream house and dream lives since we were littlies in primary but who would of thought that our house now would become so different from what we were expecting back in the day when out minds were young, naive and innocent. Time has hit hard and boy were growing up. This explains the need for certain rooms and accessories featured in our dream house!

• Gels' Room


• Janine's Room


• THE HEAVEN (room)


• The study room


• Workout room


• Jacuzzi


• Pool


• Back Deck


• Back Lounge room- disco


• Front Lounge- strictly for parental visits


• Baths with super jets!


• Massage showers


• Walk in wardrobe room- one each of course


• Closet of condoms and sex toys - ITS A MUST!


• Dish washer, washing machine, 2 driers (knowing me and janine we have a lot of clothes to clean)
  
• RICE COOKER!


• Theatre Room


• Large collection of movies


• Overhang with pole leading down to the disco room


• Bar which can convert to outside and inisde


• Sprinkler


• Water guns


• Street sign in house e.g. janine's room this way


• Door Bell with video and voice


• Fridge must include: Lots of Chocolate, whipped cream, caramel, cherries& strawberries and mix berries for my smoothies
  
  

NB: The heaven is a room used by either gels or janine or gels and janine in times of release and immense pleasure. Only those with great privledges are capable in even setting foot in this room. In set of using it well that's a different story (wink wink)

A true best friend

A person told me that you can only have one bestfriend but i insisted to him that i have three. Janine has been my friend since we were littlies in year six. I've known her since year 5 and we started becoming bestfriends in year six. From then on i tell Janine the things that are most personal and she is the one that gives me a realistic view of myself, with her theres no holding back and thats what i love about her -honesty.

Louise has been my best friend since year seven. And although our relationship started with a rough beginning...ivy LOL it grew into something strong and majorly over dramatic. My relationship with Louise is as crazy as a rollercoaster. But the weird thing is that we know how its all going to end when we fight yet we insist on fighting anyway. The reason why i love louise is because she is so loving. Especially when it comes in terms of me.

Clarisse , I've known her since year 5 but we began our friendship in year seven. Who would of thought such a intelectual mind lied only two streets away from me. She was a God send as she is my little baby and damn shes growing up (wink wink). But i love how she makes my life clearer i dont need to tell her all my problems but when i question the meaning of life she gives me direction.

All of these three girls combined create the ultimate bestfriend. Thats why i am very insistent to the fact that they are my bestfriend. With the traits they have, how could i possibly choose between them. They have been with me through thick and thin. Knowing all the shit i do thats alot of patience to have. I would go lesbian for them all!

But last week saw a tragic turn of events and i called lousie a bitch in a fit of anger becuase i was so over the melodrama. I couldnt stand helping another person cause my life was shit enough i didnt need someone elses burden on my shoulder. Because she values me so much as a friend she went home early crying- making her cramps worse. Now i am a shit best friend although she forgave me. But seriosuly... i think i cant afford to stuff up. I know everyone wants a break from life, to be secluded sometimes and just have time to theirself. But i have to man up and take in everyones problems cause thats how i have to be. Live a facade to make everyone happy cause my best friends happiness is my happiness.

A true best friend walks in when the rest of the world walk out and these three girls were there when i fucked up everything. The simple balance of school social life and that means the world to me. A true best friend dosent exist to me.. cause i have THREE TRUE BEST FRIENDS!