I delight in my weakness

As i left the steaming shower i walked to my bedroom and let myself go. Naked i allowed my hair to implant a print on my sheets as the cold wind fiercely blew against my back. I curled into a ball and let all my insecurities arise. It is in this moment that i allowed my nightmares to meet me face to face.

This is my moments of weakness as i begin to recall and delight in the memory of a cool blade against my skin, the feeling of of bile form within my throat and the feeling of tears welling up just before i cry for the man i love. How could anyone possibly delight in this?

I delight it in cause it proves to me- i am weak. I need to have the reminder that i do need the people in my life. It helps me to cherish those and although its moments like this when i wish i was still emo, that i was still bulimic and well for the last one i do still cry over that damn guy so LOL.

But dont you just love that feeling as well...
When your so still once you come out of the shower that you can feel your body temperture change. The steaming red skin turns into goose bumps with the soft wift of air. Where in the silence all you can hear is your heart beat rapidly so it feels like there is a dent in your skin.

Im not going back to the old days some memories are not meant to be relived and maybe thats why i delight in such horrific memories. I make no sense i know.

<3