A painful love

He is my world but i don't think he realises how big the world is!
The rollercoaster never ends with this guy now does it? Two nights ago i meant to right a blog but my net stuffed up. Two nights ago i questioned to myself how many times does a heart have to break before it finally gives up beating?

Ive been through thick and thin with this guy but still i hold on. Why is it that he can make me feel like shit but with the simpliest "hello beautiful" he can leave me begging for more. Does he know how good he is? He probably does. I seriously believe that he has broken my heart. Time and time again but now i realise you cannot go through life without being willing to forgive.

Love vs commitment. Did you know that they are different things? Cause you can love anyone but commitment is an action to whom you give to someone you love. I have my commitment to him. Yet he does not to me. This is where forgiveness comes in. This past month have been the worst so far in my whole 15 years of life- i know not a lot of life but ive been through enough that i can see myself slowly age. I stare blankly at the mirror seeing my tear ducts give in and the black circles increase in size in the hollows of my eyes.

I stare at a stranger who used to be as beautiful as she thought she was. But now she is slowly fading away. My beauty seems to be dimishing and maybe thats due to the lack of love present within.

He keeps telling me that i should leave. That any guy would be lucky to have me. But ive heard all this shit before why doesnt he just leave me? Cause i want to hold on for as long as i can. Breaking up will never hurt cause we have practically broken up a million times. I reckon the last straw for me will be the day he finally says I DONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE...

That will be the end for me. For once in my life i gave everything into a relationship. If only he knew how much a sacrificed for him. How much more i would give up for him. I know he has had a rough life and i dont want to contribute to his pain. Thats why when we fight i give in. Thats why i end up in situations that only benefit him. I dont know why he still pulls me on the string.

Cant he get it through he's thick head that i only WANT HIM! I dont want anyone else. NO ONE could replace him but obviously i can be replaced. If he does love me then why doesnt he just stay with me? Why does he have to put our relationship into a situation that leaves us open for liasons. To ease the heartbreak perhaps?

Dont worry about me. I trust him. More than i have trusted anyone with my heart. Too bad all this trust is all going to fall short. But ill hold on til the bitter end cause the pain is worth it. I love you DOUGLAS GEORGE WALSH. My whole heart i leave with you, there in your bear hands. You grip tight causing my heart pain but as long as im in your warmth i wouldnt have it any other way..