In deperate need for a change...

Is it really bad to look good? Im sick of this sham of trying to be beautiful instead of sexy. Im going to dress the hell i want! So i wanted to die down the attire i was wearing after the break up with cameron but really what was i trying to achieve. Maybe i figured that if i dressed a little more appropriatley then i would be called a whore and slut less. But i went to all this effort to fall short.

Okhay, so maybe i do love my dresses. But it was a cover up for the need to be viewed differently. I didnt want to be known as the bitch that cheated on cameron. So there i went down a different rode.

And now in my butt hugging jeans i realise that my life is such a charade. Life isnt about impressing others not even getting their approval its about me. That right its always about me right? Well then- FUCK YOU! I may have gotten attention but that aint my fault when was i never their for my friends? Rarely if i do recall.

Sexy is an expression of confidence and self love. And thats what i want. Call me a whore and a slut it wont hurt. I have never felt to HOT in jeans and a tight top. Im going to dress to express not to impress. No more hiding behind "good girl" clothes. Pretty and sweet - DONT THINK SO. Why should i dress in a manner that dosent coincide with my personality. Im bubbly and quite frankly who dosent want to be noticed?

Today is a start of a change. And this is what needs to be done:

• Jeans must only be worn with heels


• Buy more g-strings


• Make up is now a must!


• Nails must be perfect or at least done each day


• Im starting to live for me!


• Pampering dosent hurt

Change here i come raging and over enthusiatic. Too much to handle? Then back off

NB: I dont mean to be mean in this post. Anger is an expression. I advise you to use it in words not physical action unless its angry sex <3

"I trust you with my heart, the rest is up to you"

Today is my 4 months and how it went so fast. We have probably been through more than what me and cameorn went through during our first six months together.

The celebration began on friday night- the night before our anniversary. We were talking on the fone as he waited outside my house patiently waiting for my rents to sleep. Then we started having an argument about abortion. Not going into details but we were at each other's throats and i wouldnt let it go. But as soon as we saw each other, the tense atomsphere fizzeled.

The drama didnt stop there. After some fondling and kissing we settled down. Then I was watching something on his phone then calls me a bitch under his breath then a drop his fone on his chest and i didnt intend for it to hit hard but it did. Then i tried hugging him, touching him but he insistedly told me to fuck off. I climbed on top of him and he pushed me roughly to the side. I was cut so deep. I turned to my side and then curled up within my arms. Deeply breathing - trying not to cry.

Then he started stroking my hair and massaging the back of my head with his finger tips. The feeling just made me want to cry more. Then he placed his soft warm hands against my shoulder and tried to turn me around but i refused. Then he finally pulled me close and looked right at me. Gave me a hug and lighly placed his fingertips under my chin turning my head towards his - eye to eye. "What's a matter baby?" he said sotly- his voice so soothing. He wiped my cheeks in case there were any tears but i pormised him i would never cry in front of him. Then he kissed my softly. And i lay there on his chest just admiring his face as he sang along to random songs on his fone.

Later on that night i gave him a whole body massage as he was killing from a long week of work and he had just come back from a basketball game that really put him in the shits when he arrived. He was really pissed off. This was the only time i was in control where i could be the older one as he lay relaxing on his back as a trailed my fingers along his biceps. I told him to relax and he untensed and feel into sleep.

This is an example of me trusting my heart with him. I can be heartbroken by actions that he does caused by my me starting it off anyway but then i can be healed within moments of his touch. I dont think he realises how much he means to me but i never stop showing how much i care.

Later on that day i had my vaccination for swine flu - DW I DONT HAVE SWINE FLU, its just precautionary as im doing work experience in westmeand children's hopspital. I went to blacktown after and checked out the festival but soon got over it so i bummed around blacktown by myself as my mum rustled around the festival in search of free goods- SO FILO! I bought a few items that made my day like a huge bag and this "top". But then my brother finished tutoring and became restless and then it became contagious and i just wanted to go home and sleep. Finally got home and slept til church at 6pm. After church i went to Rooty Hill R.S.L and had some steak - yummers!

So my four months was filled with ups and downs. But i know other people have had their fair share of days like mine as well so im not complaining im just saying. "I trust you with my heart, the rest is up to you.." This line is truthful to all my relaitonships and expecially the oene i share with him. I dont expect him to love me as overwhelmingly as i do to him but that wont restrain me from expressing my love for him any less. Opening your heart can run the risk of being open to heartbreak but love is worth the risk. Cause in spite of all the downsides he has made me feel over the moon. And those moments we share together are just priceless.

Who gets raped?

Dont deny the urge...

A fucked up and absolutly loveable friendship!

What is the definition of a best friend? Do you have to hang out 24/7? I DONT THINK SO! Do you have to tell each other every single little detail of your life? I DONT THINK SO. A true best friend knows the truth and dosent need you to say it. They know you so well that if you did hang out 24/7 it would be so annoying that it just kills the friendship.

A true best friend is there when you need them and who understands when you need space. A true best friend is one that tells you the truth no matter how much it hurts. A true best friend is able to call you a slut and a bitch and you can just laugh it off. That is a true best friend. So lets wrap it up.

A BEST FREIEND IS:

• One who's there when you need them


• One who leaves when you say Fuck off


• One that does not hang out with 24/7


• One that does not tell you every detail of their life


• And one who calls you bitch and a slut every once in a while- my case everyday

LOL- pretty fucked up aye. But remember a true best friend understands.. So thats why in spite of this fucked up friendship my relationship with my best friends is the best anyone can have <3

DAMN TB'S vs FOBS!!

Have you noticed the TB's? Well of course you have- how can you miss them they are eveverywhere i swear. Today is what made me truly appreciate living in Rooty Hill. The filos in blacktown are all the same and their all private school kids with same goals of looking pretty and its not that i mind it its just that it gets sorta overwhelming and quite annoying when they are everywhere!!

See Mount Druitt may be a hole but at least you dont have guys wearing the same outfits everywhere with thier skinnys and their asian hair. You have real men at mounty, you have the built fobs with thier footy shorts. LIke seriously, why would i want to check out guys who's skinny jeans size is smaller than mine- does that mean i have more balls? Probably!! Why would i want to check out guys who's hair is longer than mine, more layered then mine. And people wonder why im bisexual... All the guys look like girls anyway- how can you differentiate between them?

There are the rare few that are TB and are actually quite nice but seriosuly i dont think i can be fucked to go through all the TB's and find which ones are reasonable and which ones are just clones of their best friends.

Josh -> half yearlys -> Hokka hokka

I haven't written a blog in so long! To the dissapointment of my daily follower Joshua Yun. Maybe thats why he has been so mean to me latley. He is always taking Janine's side in everything and i think he is going to buy her shoes *cry*. Ohh well...

This week has been ... Half yearly exams hasn't been that bad but i dont want to say anything that would jinx it. I so wish that i got my nails done with Janine instead of pigging out at blacktown with Adrian - no offense to Adrian. But damn we both went home stuffed! HOKKA HOKKA = YUMMERS

NB: HOKKA HOKKA is pronounced hoookkkaaa hooookkkaa - excentuate the "ooo"

a little bit of a bother..

Why do people say i'll call in 30 mins and don't call. Maybe it just bothers me cause it was my boyfriend. But you don't say it if you dont mean it. Like an hour and a half later i figure that he figured he's just going to call later tonight. I guess he is sick so he has an excuse.

I seriosuly hate winter fashion. Like i already eat more in winter i dont need winter clothing to make me fatter like seriously. I want spring time to come back because spring is my birthday which is the perfect excuse to dress up and act like a bitch all day LOL.

I really feel uncomfortable when fat people eat kfc. Like i know kfc tastes good but if your that fat you have to be aware of what your eating right?

Dry elbows and dry lips! Not nice at all. I really should keep lotion and lippy in my bag for on the go. I hate showing my elbows when thier dry i feel so ewwww...

I extrmely hate it when CAMERON fucken spits his saliva and shit out. Its fucking disgusting knowing that used to be in my mouth. He smokes now.. What a try hard someone told me that when he smokes it looks painful what an idiot.

And i like the sensation when you pee :) Random muchh

xx

What me week entails...

Argh... Half yearly exams and the freakiest thing is that im freaking out cause im not freaking out. Make sense? Like im usually hardcore studying and stressing myself out like crazy but suddenly im just so calm now a days thanks to the love of my life. But is that a good thing? Im a bludging too much-no thanks to Janine. (love you). But still i guess this week will show which method works better.

The way i see it is that once you study and stress out like crazy you can be more statisfied by your outcome- that is if it more than what you were expecting. So for this method aim love and be happy.

But how about not stressing and taking it in as is flows. Its good to stay calm but that can also rui your pace and your calmness can soon turn into just being plain lazy to do anything. So instead id figure i would mix a bit of both and this is how my week will unfold.

MONDAY

• English & Maths Exam


• Study Science and history and night

TUESDAY

• Science Exam


• Study history and commerce

WEDNESDAY

• History Exam


• Study food tech, music and commerce

THURSDAY

• Food tech, commerce and music exam


• Relax and get my nails done with janine :)

FRIDAY

• Celebrate end of exams with boyfriend


• Get vaccinated for swine flu cause im going to westmead hospital for work experience soon

SATURDAY

• Hopefully celebrate my 4 months with my boyfriend


• If not watch his basketball game in liverpool


• If not Make scone with janine


• If not eat at Panarrottis with Cla

SUNDAY

• Church


• Major me time


• If no major me time than major gels&janine time

Thats my week folks. I hope evrything goes to plan.. Any bets it wont but im sure that i will definitly get my nails done- its a must!

A way of life..

"You'll forget all of them. Even the ones you said you loved and even the ones you really did. Their the last to go, but once you've forgotten enough, you love someone else"

"You should aim to not just merely exist but to live!"

"There's nothing worse than knowing it was all your fault"

"The only thing worse than getting your heart broken is by breaking your own"

" Learn from others mistakes because making yours own wastes moments of your life"

" When you fuck up your life you learn to comprimise. Some people get what they deserve and others dont. For your own sake be happy with yourself because a moment contemplating the WHAT IF factor is a day waster dwelling on the past"

"We should count life not in minutes but in moments"

"Who would of thought the letter d was so cimportant. That the forth letter of the alphabet is

what creates the difference between love and loved. Between care and cared and just like the letter d our lives can be changed with the addiction of a bad habit"

"Making a living is not the same as living a life"

"I know the secret of life- it is BUTTER!"

"The simplicity of life is that it is not simple at all"

"life should not be counted on the number of breaths we take but instead be measured by the number of moments that take our breath away"

"The difference between a boss and a leader is that a boss says go! and a leader says lets go!"

"Dont just watch the rollercoster- ride it!"

"Wishes are the start of reality"

"The price of greatness is responsibility"

"Destiny is not a matter of chance it is a matter of choice"

"You have the power to be happy if only you would let yourself"

"The meaning of life is to be comfortable with who and what you are"

"It's hard to let go of something old when there's nothing new to hold onto"

"You can be as mad as a mad dog by the way things went, you can swear and curse the fates but when it comes to the end- you have to let go"

"Distance shouldn't stop you because love keeps you close"

"He was my first love and he's still breaking my heart"

"There are no such things as mistakes, only learning experiences"

"Now she's the definition of fine, but i told her that her body would look better with mine "

"People will forget what you said. They will forget what you did. But they will NEVER forget the way you made them feel"

"I move to ASPIRE, to INSPIRE before I EXPIRE"

"The past has my regrets, my mistakes and my memories (good&bad) but its history now. SO

until they make a time machine, i wont dwell on it"

"The present is not, whatever i'm doing, where ever i am- thats what im going to enjoy, cherish every moment and live"

"The future is tommorrow, so since im living today, i'll take tommorrow when it comes, one day at a time."

"The truth is in the essence"

"Today i begin to understand what love mst be, if it exists... When we are parted we each feel the lack of the other half of ourselves. We are incomplete like a book in two volumes of which the first has been lost. That is what i imagine love - to feel incompleteness in absence"

"I dont think anyone can do anything that would make one worthy of love. Love is a gift anf cannot be earned. I believe it can only be given"

"I tire myself to sleep with my uncontrollable tears"

"I don't know if i should react, or fight back?"

"One penis per fantasy!"

"Forget the people in the past, theres a reason they didnt make it to your future"

"Just because the person you love has moved on dosent mean you have to as well"

"The people you know become the people you knew"

"Who will let you, let this feeling die? When am i did was try!"

"Me & my girl try to stop temptation but we cant help our love for masturbation"

"You're horrible! Your a whore..."

"Is love worth the pain?"

"Love is always bestowed as a gift- freely, willingly and without expectation; we do not love to be loved we love simply to love"

"To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides"

"Love sees roses without throns.."

"A friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out"

"Love is life and if you miss love you miss our on love"

"In love beggar and king are equal"

"Life is a maze and love is riddle"

Equanimity

His breath against my bare skin makes tremble. I lay on his chest and listen to the soft heartbeat gently pounding against my ear. The moonlight dimly sprinkling its light over his perfection. I see just the silloutte of the contours of his body. I run my fingertips against his biceps and he smiles in his sleep. I intertwine my hands in his and its a perfect fit. I feel the texture of his hands as it goes from rough burns to smooth baby soft skin. I kiss him and he twitches with delight. I couldn't sleep with him lying here next to me. How could I? When would i get the oppotunity to lay there and just admire everything about him.

That night was the night that i was definite of my future. It lies with him and i can feel it. My heart has never raced so much simply by resting against his skin. I want to wake up every morning in his chest. I want to sleep with his gentle hands against the small of my back. I want our legs to weave into each other as we lay closer than ever before. I want to share this moment again with him and only him. He is my calm in the storm. My stable when im restless. I have never been awake and felt like i was in a dream before. The moment may have lasted only a few hours but it seemed to pass through time and breaking all barriers. The impossible, now life and for once in my life i feel the magic of love.

There has always been a strong and intense feeling inside my heart but now it seems like God has given him to me. My protector and my carer. What i feel now is much more than love. Such a connection, i have never felt before and im a grateful to been able to feel it. I hope this feeling lasts and that time does not diminish its hold over me.

What he does for me is more than love and care. He is the spark that allows me to brighten everyone elses day. He is now an extention of me. He is a part of me. With him i am everything i want to be. He pushes down all my barriers. He is my drug. He is my life. He is my equanimity...

The line between friendship & boyfriend..

Over the past few months i have noticed i have become rather close to Josh. Not that it really matters cause we were best friends before we went out. But suddenly everyone else is noticing our closeness and is coming to the conclusion that were going out again. Unfortunatley for him im deeply in love with Douglas George Walsh. But then comes the question, "how close is too close?"

If i am giving that perception that means that i am a bit flirty but i dont intend to be. Being over affectionate comes into my nature. I told josh today that me and him are destined to be best friends. And i mean it, he cheers me up when im down and i can always count on him to talk to. But being beyond friends is out of the question. I already went down that road and it didnt turn out well. He is like a big brother to me although i am older than him. But he gives the sense of a big brother. Protective and caring and a bit obnoxious. Well, of course he is -cause he is a peasant. LOL. (inisde joke)

Does is really matter what everyone else thinks? Even Josh thinks that my boyfriend wont like him.. but really i dont find him a threat in anyway. We understand each other- too well maybe and there should be no crime in that. What is important is that those who are close to me understand my situation with him. A best friend and nothing more.

He may be doing everything that he didnt do in out relationship before, such as talking and holding my bag... and just being there for me . But now we can share something without being dependant on commitment in the sense of love as friendship has love automatically pushed into the equation.

A may be pushing the line between friendship and relationship with josh but as long as i know where my loyalty lies and where the boundaries are set im sure that our friendship can flourish without the complications of everyone elses implications and rumors.

P.S there was a cat outside and staring at me. Fucken scary as...

Gels & Janine's Dream House

A future with Janine? Of course! Undoubtly we are so living together. My best friend for the longest of time... must be destiny. We have been picturing our dream house and dream lives since we were littlies in primary but who would of thought that our house now would become so different from what we were expecting back in the day when out minds were young, naive and innocent. Time has hit hard and boy were growing up. This explains the need for certain rooms and accessories featured in our dream house!

• Gels' Room


• Janine's Room


• THE HEAVEN (room)


• The study room


• Workout room


• Jacuzzi


• Pool


• Back Deck


• Back Lounge room- disco


• Front Lounge- strictly for parental visits


• Baths with super jets!


• Massage showers


• Walk in wardrobe room- one each of course


• Closet of condoms and sex toys - ITS A MUST!


• Dish washer, washing machine, 2 driers (knowing me and janine we have a lot of clothes to clean)
  
• RICE COOKER!


• Theatre Room


• Large collection of movies


• Overhang with pole leading down to the disco room


• Bar which can convert to outside and inisde


• Sprinkler


• Water guns


• Street sign in house e.g. janine's room this way


• Door Bell with video and voice


• Fridge must include: Lots of Chocolate, whipped cream, caramel, cherries& strawberries and mix berries for my smoothies
  
  

NB: The heaven is a room used by either gels or janine or gels and janine in times of release and immense pleasure. Only those with great privledges are capable in even setting foot in this room. In set of using it well that's a different story (wink wink)

A true best friend

A person told me that you can only have one bestfriend but i insisted to him that i have three. Janine has been my friend since we were littlies in year six. I've known her since year 5 and we started becoming bestfriends in year six. From then on i tell Janine the things that are most personal and she is the one that gives me a realistic view of myself, with her theres no holding back and thats what i love about her -honesty.

Louise has been my best friend since year seven. And although our relationship started with a rough beginning...ivy LOL it grew into something strong and majorly over dramatic. My relationship with Louise is as crazy as a rollercoaster. But the weird thing is that we know how its all going to end when we fight yet we insist on fighting anyway. The reason why i love louise is because she is so loving. Especially when it comes in terms of me.

Clarisse , I've known her since year 5 but we began our friendship in year seven. Who would of thought such a intelectual mind lied only two streets away from me. She was a God send as she is my little baby and damn shes growing up (wink wink). But i love how she makes my life clearer i dont need to tell her all my problems but when i question the meaning of life she gives me direction.

All of these three girls combined create the ultimate bestfriend. Thats why i am very insistent to the fact that they are my bestfriend. With the traits they have, how could i possibly choose between them. They have been with me through thick and thin. Knowing all the shit i do thats alot of patience to have. I would go lesbian for them all!

But last week saw a tragic turn of events and i called lousie a bitch in a fit of anger becuase i was so over the melodrama. I couldnt stand helping another person cause my life was shit enough i didnt need someone elses burden on my shoulder. Because she values me so much as a friend she went home early crying- making her cramps worse. Now i am a shit best friend although she forgave me. But seriosuly... i think i cant afford to stuff up. I know everyone wants a break from life, to be secluded sometimes and just have time to theirself. But i have to man up and take in everyones problems cause thats how i have to be. Live a facade to make everyone happy cause my best friends happiness is my happiness.

A true best friend walks in when the rest of the world walk out and these three girls were there when i fucked up everything. The simple balance of school social life and that means the world to me. A true best friend dosent exist to me.. cause i have THREE TRUE BEST FRIENDS!

Happiest Girl in the World

Today i am the happiest girl in the world. Over the past two weeks i have never cried so many times to sleep. Me and my boyfriend were on what he calls a "timeout". The two weeks of this break was spent crying, thinking up ways he would leave me and simply i just wasnt myself. But today the guy that i love the most in the world called me up to say that he loves me. More than he ever realised. That a person that dosent judge him and simply loves him for what he is inside is really hard to find. And i am exactly what he was always looking for. He is still concerned over the fact that i am two years his junior but he just wants to concentrate on the now and so do i. I am a person that lives in the moment and even though sometimes living by impulse often leaves to some heartbreaking of not only mine but also others, i live by it. This is my first blog and i wish i made one earlier cause i always have things on my mind.

My boyfriend is everything to me, over the past two weeks ive questioned whether love is worth the pain and now i know it is. No one knows me the way he does. He is the only one that makes me feel genuinley beautiful. He is the only one that knows when im not smiling over the phone. He knows were im most ticklish and he knows what to say just to make my day perfect. A day without hearing his voice makes me incomplete and thats why im so happy. Im the happiest girl in the world because through loving him i have appreciation of life. He brightens my day and warms my night. Thats why having him meakes me the happiest girl in the world. He knows me through and through and i know him back to front. He may not be my life but he sure is a huge part of it..